Friday, April 24, 2009

A moment

This morning I woke up to prepare a special breakfast. Seth is in town and I work later this afternoon. I wanted a special time this morning with Seth. I was clearing up the counter, gathering eggs, and following instructions in the recipe. The sense of doom filled me. So I have failed in life. At age of fifty four, I have not yet been able to get someone to serve me.

My memory flashed back to a little girl. My mother was working so hard. Her hands blistered in winters from cold water. For one hundredth time she told me, "This will not be your lot. You will not cook and clean. That is for servants." She always wanted me to study. "I don't want you to do anything but study. Become some one who is served." At those times it was "that is mom." And I continued to read or do something with books. Although I didn't remember her slaving for others, I heard about it so often that I knew what word was going to come from my mother. "I was a young girl of 18. I thought I was marrying into a noble family....only to find out that I would be a servant to my husband's family, parents, six siblings..." Each time as I heard this same story, I knew that I was not to repeat her life, that I must have servants cook and clean for me, that my job was to study... Oh how she must have longed her past life and determined that her daughter will not serve. There were dozens of servants in her home. There were dining room just for servants to be served by cooks and there were dining room for the master's family.

Tom came by. He gave me a hug from behind and turned me around. "Are you OK? Oh I see that you are not OK" He went back upstairs to his office. I was crying now. Yes. Logically I could give all my reasons why the way I feel is crazy. Yet I was filled with the sense of agony with my failure in life. This has haunted me for the last twenty five years of our marriage. Our marriage has been turbulant because I had blamed Tom for myself not reaching my mother's dream. I was too busy trying to reach the success myself. I could not give my all to my children because I was not a proper mother if I was cooking and cleaning. To live a life where everything in you cried "NOOOO" was not easy. I am supposed to be spending my time taking my children to museums, travel, and....

Tom realized that he needed to come down and help. Soon we were cooking for our special breakfast with our son Seth. I was fine now. As long as someone was working with me I was not a slave. It ended up being a wonderful and delicious breakfast and special time for us.

(wings to fly....for my story)

Monday, April 20, 2009

Moment in March of 1997

I am creating a blog consisting of letters Tom has written to friends during 1994 to 1998 about our kids. Time captured that I did not know existed. With approval of our children that blog will be available to the audience of their choice.

(March of 1997)
Last night the boys talked Jae Hi into taking them to Blockbuster at
about 9:30 pm (they have off from school today for Pulaski day). She
took Elizabeth (age 2) also. Jae Hi was careful to keep Elizabeth away from
the Winnie-the-Pooh video section (she can't get enough Pooh nowadays),
but when Elizabeth saw a Cat-in-the-Hat video, she latched onto it and
wouldn't let go for all the world. Jae Hi ended up buying the video,
but she had to set Elizabeth up on the counter so the cashier could
scan the video--there was no way Elizabeth was going to let go of it!
When they got home, Elizabeth came running to me holding out the tape
for me to see, saying, "My moomie (aka movie)! Cat Hat moomie!"
I played it for her. When the Cat-in-the-Hat came onto the screen,
she was ecstatic, dancing around, pointing, and saying, "Cat Hat!"

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Ten Things About Dad by Elizabeth

written in 2007

1. Dad is tall with big hands and big feet.
(Lizy must have over heard that I loved his big hands and big feet)

2. Dad is gentle.

3. Dad loves Mom
(I must be very blessed.)

4. Dad is thorough and detailed.
(You can say that again.)

5. Dad tickles and teases Mom.
(To the point I become breathless with laughter.)

6. Dad loves his children.

7. Dad knows how to unravel mom's anxiety attacks.
(I don't know how he does it. After his hugs and soothing words, the world is calmer place.)

8. Dad knows how to make mom feel loved.
(like no one else can!)

9. Dad has good judgement of value.
(You can say that again.)

10. What If's don't scare dad.
(What If's always scare me.)

Ten thing about Mom by Elizabeth

Elizabeth wrote this in 2007

Ten Things About Mom by Elizabeth (with my comments)

1. Mom is dad's Gimchi girl and Dooboo darling.
(Tom wrote me a song before we were married, My Gimchi girl and Doboo darling. My Korean taste and
Tom's very American taste buds adds spice to our marriage. Gimchi or Kimchi & DooBoo or Tofu are my all time favorite.)

2. Mom talks funny when she is tired.
( I become slurry in speech and become very funny according to those around me.)

3. Mom loves daddy's massages.
(nothing soothes me more than Tom's magic touch when I am thoroughly tired)

4. Mom likes to have the whole family together.
(yes, yes, YES!!!)

5. Mom is a hard worker
(To the point of detriment. I don't know how to rest unless I am actually sick.)

6. Mom loves daddy

7. Mom looks forever young.
(My mother, Elizabeth's grandma Kim looks very young. Must be in the genes)

8. Mom is always older than she is.
(I love to see surprise in people's eyes. When I was past 35, I would tell people that I was near 40.
At age 45, I told my friend's mom who was 55 that we were practically same age. Ten year difference
was almost none at all. She was soooo pleased even though she looked old enough to be my mother. )

Mom makes every penny count.
(This is the poor immigrant in me.)

10. Mom is Daddy's beauty queen.
(I love the fact that Tom thinks I am beautiful. I grew up thinking that I was so ugly.)

Saturday, April 11, 2009

What a Week

I just spent a week in Chicago with my family. Sunday (4/5) we arrived at mother's house and spent a night. Monday we went to see Jae-Ha and family to see Kyle, their new addition...what a cutie pie. He is so adorable.

The adventure began with spending the next 3 days with Henna and Andrija and their move to their first home. Henna is soooo happy with her life, with her husband, and with their new condo. We loved being part of their new beginning. Of course Seth and Chrisitan and Cora were with us good part of the time admiring the new home and the incredible view from their 19th floor.

How long was it that I was a newly wed, that of all the woman on earth that I would be so lucky to have Tom as my husband. It has been a long journey and long adventure in life, yet after all these years I have to say I am still in love and still so loved. I was looking at my beautiful daughter. All of sudden I felt like I was my mother and watching the young me. I was my mother to the point that I was the odd immigrant. I flinched every time Henna wanted to thow away a perfectly good dishes or glasses. I was my mother, old immigrant who could not get rid of anything. Funny how life turned around. My mother would give me all of her old things because she could not bring herself to waste anything and here I was, being who she is.

I looked at Andrija, a young Tom. Andrija is so totally in love with my precious. Henna told me that he has never experienced the joy of life as he is experiencing since he met her. I loved Andrija when Henna first told me that he was learning Spanish because one day she wanted to live in Spain. He thanked us for helping them move. I thought I would not miss this opportunity to be a part of their start on life.

So funny to think that when we were leaving to come back to Goshen Lizy wanted to stay longer. She loved being with Henna and Andrija. We spent 3 days working out totally involved with their move, yet to Lizy we were cutting our vacation short by coming home.

I love my family.