My memory....
When I woke up from what I thought was my Sunday nap yesterday, Tom was next to me reading to me of Henna's account of her trip in SE Asia. I asked, "Why is Henna in VIetnam? Why are Christian and Danielle in Vietnam?" I looked at my arm and asked Tom why I have cotton with surgical tape over it as in a blood draw. He smiled at me and said my memory was returning.
Then I got the whole story that I was in the ER for 2 hours or more. I had NO recollection of the whole hospital experience. In fact my memory was cut out from my consciousness from around noon to 10pm. I am told that I had my normal mannerism dealing with nurses and doctors. I am told that I remembered my occupation and where I worked. I asked why I was at Goshen hospital and where Tom was. Why is Tom not with me? I was to ask this question every few minutes because I could not remember the answers given me.
Tom was an hour and half into traveling to Chicago to bring Lizy and our grandkids to Goshen for a week. I drove home by myself from church. As I was driving home, I wondered why I was driving alone on Sunday. We always go home together. When I entered our home, I was wondering where Tom was. I had already forgotten that we both drove so that I could come home and he would go to Chicago to pick up the kids. I called Tom while he was driving. I have no recollection of me calling him or any of our conversation. After many repetitious conversations of answering the same questions--"Why are you going to Chicago? Why are you picking up the grandkids and Lizy?"--Tom realized that someone needed to take me to the ER and he must turn around to come back home to me.
Tom called Jon Lehman to take me to the ER. Jon and Reni stayed with me until shortly before Tom came to the ER. It's a strange feeling. I am told that when Tom came into my view, I was really happy to see him. Then I started to ask him, "Why am I here? Is something wrong with me?" This question would be answered fully only to be asked again several minutes later, again and again and again... Tom witnessed the doctor asking me who the president of the US is. I thought for some seconds as if the answer was hidden somewhere then shook my head. I did not know. What day is today? It must be Sunday, I am dressed up. What year is this? Again I would search my brain and all I could come up with was, " It's two thousand something."
Because of this strange occurrence, I have a deeper realization how precious it is to have a husband who loves me and to have friends who care for me. I have a safety net to catch me. Tom made me laugh and have a light hearted interaction. "JaeHi, you impersonated Donald Trump at church for everyone!" "I did not!" Then he would go on to tease me of something else which I knew was not something I would do yet caused me to laugh. It was obvious that my love for him was as strong as his love for me. And that love memory was still intact. He said if this was to be a permanent situation, we still would have a sweet relationship.
We took a hike into our beautiful woods today! This is something we do as often as we can, sunshine or rain. Today was different. I realized something. I have a precious treasure in my relationship with my husband. I have gems in my friends. Their love and concern did not rely on what I could do for them or what I could accomplish. In my helpless moments, I saw that I was safe in the net created by them.
A memory came to me of a baby (myself) who was put outside the door because I cried a lot. I needed my mom, but she was so busy taking care of all of her extended family. My young aunts and uncles who were in middle school or high school did not want to hear me cry. My mother had my grandparents and aunts and uncles to take care of, cook for, wash for, and to do so much other housework for. She counted on the family to watch and play with me while she served them. My father was out working to support this large family. The Korean war had created very difficult situations. Yet this baby grew up always thinking that if she could not be quiet or please others, life can be a dangerous place. No one really cared for her other than how useful she could be to them and, more importantly, not to annoy them. This whole picture and the deeply hidden emotions of fear that accompanied it got shattered. I was released from the bondage of fear by the loving network of people who loved and cared for me unconditionally in my hour of weakness. What a gift from God!
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