Yesterday I went to Wabash. My job at times takes me on a 60-miles-each-way commute. It was a bright sunny day. I love to drive long stretches of country road. It’s my time to just talk to the Lord. As I am enjoying the vastness of the Midwest, farms, hills,...oh just the stretch of land, I am so glad to have a time solely devoted to God. This is the time when I like to bring up who I am, and all my fears of what if's of life. This is also the time when I bring up the programming in my being that I cannot seem to shake. Sometimes our interaction moves me to tears. Sometimes I am filled with reassurance. And sometimes just peace to accept life as it is. And at times as I am taken into the depth of my memories, to the source of my stronghold of a false belief system, and as I interact with God, the stronghold is broken and I am released.
As I was driving home loving the scenery, I was considering how I have changed. To be constantly pursuing what I should attain, like a carrot ahead of me that I cannot quite grab, is forever exhausting. As a single person, it was acceptable and almost noble to be in a constant pursuit. As a married person, I was not prepared to live doing mundane things...like housework. I remember when my children were young, I always felt to stay at home was to waste time. My children needed a mom that was somebody and it was for their sake. Tom watched me in bewilderment because I was forever pursuing accomplishments.
Yet there was me, a person so fragile emotionally and so insecure. I was easily stepped on, used, and spat out. Recognizing the love Tom had for me, I would cling on to him for love and reassurance. Yet at times I would hate him that he did not have the constant need to pursue. To me, life was like a report card. You must forever pursue an A. To rest is to give up. I still don't know how to rest, yet I am learning to accept life. In pursuing accomplishments, I could not see the beauty of my children and my husband...of my life and God’s multifarious wisdom. All I could see was I am not there yet. I don’t have an A yet.
I love these long drives. I get so much accomplished. The Lord is able to show me so much...all while I am mesmerized by the beauty of nature...And through it all I have not wasted time.
Oh, I do love this Jesus who is so real.