Index Wings to Fly
One of the elders read in his Church History seminar, something that stayed with me. I don't remember in what context. Some pope said, "give me a child until age 5 and I will make him a devout Catholic till he dies." To me it was "give me a child until age 5, I will make him a devout (fill in the blank) till he dies."
I recall my childhood up to age 5 and beyond, my grandfather have instilled in me over and over daily that I was to carry our family to the glory of Kim dynasty we lost over the years (Our ancestors were Kings). I am not sure why he chose me, a grand daughter, to carry this heavy burden. I recall how my mother poured out her heart daily of all her woes. I watched how my father was either working and not at home or he was constantly studying when he was home. My father's preaching to me daily that we must work hard and save for our old age. Your place in life, dignity, pride, and achievements define who you are. These things have formed me. It was in my blood.
When Tom had none of my drive regarding human life and endeavors, it crushed me. When Tom was desiring to give up his earthly security to serve God, it nearly killed me. I expected my children to be focused and become successful in school or careers beyond my expectation. They had the smarts I lacked and we had the means to support them, and then Tom decided to give up his career in his higher pursuit.
For most of my adult life , we were in intense bible based church where the Word, Holy Spirit, human spirit, and spiritual experiences were stressed. It is ironic that I had so manysweet experiences of Christ over the years, yet the foundation of my being was changed very little. When I experienced the Lord, I was at peace, yet it was so brief. As Tom's conviction in life and my conviction in life collided, we were caught in a world that could not be compromised. He could not live in my world and I could not live in his world.
For myself, it was not until within last several years, I discovered through a brother named Ed Smith and his Theophostic ministry that I learned to un program what is in my blood and experience a powerful release of what must be, what has to be, what ought to be, and experience the power of God in my human life.
As I look back all those years, agony and suffering needed not be. The first year Tom took a year off to be in a bible training, I was absolutely devastated. Everything in my being cried out NO. Love God and serve him while we make ourselves abundant financially was my moto. We could give so much more when we have more for those we loved. The irony of persons given to serve God or to inner conviction to serve people, there is no human logic. Giving up worldly glory (which is no glory), one takes up the engine fueled by God and lives for that conviction, rather than human wisdom.
What is it to really fly? What is it to rise above the earthly struggles of life? To eliminate fear of poverty, to eliminate the need of security, to feel safe in love, God's love. How do we achieve them? I have seen too often, Christians and non-christians fall apart in dire circumstances. It's not teachings that will transform. Even experiences, as wonderful as it is, to raise us above the death waters, if it is brief and temporary one finds himself drowning again.
Yet to experience something that is lasting is so profound. One example is... for me living from hand to mouth, like everyone else, and to find joy in it...the same situation which has tortured me in the past. I had fought Tom for decades that this is not a life I wanted. Finally God was able to release me to peace.
I may still wake up in the middle of the night filled with anxiety. For example what about my children & their needs. In the past it would have escalated into deep angst. Now I know what I need to be untangled from. Recently I have experienced angst over my children having anxiety about their crucial stages in life. Again I take that and bring it to God, get to the source until that too has been resolved and eliminated, never to return to me again. All situations can be handled with wisdom when one is not filled with fear.
There is such freedom, wonderful freedom, in experiencing the release from the bondage of human struggles, one item at a time! Oh the joy of being released in the very things that have bound me. To experience God as He untangles me,... to watch my heart filled with love for my dear husband in his choice to serve, and to live in simplicity of life....I have Wings to Fly.