Friday, September 19, 2008

To be molded

Soon after I graduated from school both Tom and I worked full time. We did grocery shopping together, I cooked, and he cleaned. It was a good coordination of a couple in love.

Soon after I had children I realized that I really did not enjoy the typical "home maker" duties. Everything I did seemed like I should be doing something with more meaning. I did enjoy being with my children, but even that I had limited capacity. I soon realized that I had to go to work part time and that brought me some self respect that I needed.

When Elizabeth was one year old, I had the compelling desire to be something outside of home. I started a small vending machine business with Barb. Within a year I moved onto network marketing. I had recovered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome by using nutrition based products. I was excited. I went full force.

I was constantly running away from "home maker" duties. At that time I had no idea what was running me. It was just a few years ago, as I was doing theophostic work, I saw my mother's one desire; to mold me to raise me above what she was. She always told me, I will cook and clean so that you don't have to. You will have someone else taking care of upkeep of your home. She was happy to see me study. That meant someday I won't have her lot.

Yet I was surrounded by sisters-in-law who stayed home and loved taking care of their home. I desired that yet I could not be at peace with it. I hope my girls can be content in both worlds.