Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wings to Fly 24 - Is It Possible

Wings to Fly - Index

For so long my health has been so fragile. About a month ago I decided to work more hours. To my amazement, I am thriving in working many hours. I am working full time (still in part time status so I could take time off when needed). I wonder how long I will be in this state. How could I be so content working so many hours outside of home? I have tendency to push myself until I am totally exhausted and used up.

The reasons to start working more were: I was getting very anxious about two homes and their upkeep and three children who may need help at any given time. I am endeavoring towards that day when anxiety no longer control my actions.

I am the one who had no heart to sell our Chicago home, hence we still have it. Our kids and Justin, and Dan are living there now and paying marginal rent and all utilities. What an irony; so many were advising me to sell in this home in unsellable market by cutting the price. It was not that I had to get more, rather it was that I could not or will not let go of the house. When the kids were little, they asked us to keep the house for them. Maybe that is what it is, maybe I am not willing to give up a beautiful home of twenty four years with our family history, maybe I always wanted properties and Tom would not and did not want to have anything to do with it. What freedom it would be to make a decision based on what would be the best for the time or situation.

I am probing deep into my being to clean up the things that keep me bound, whether it be a home, a place, financial status, or how I want my life to be. One item occupies my heart much- my children, and having anxiety that they are struggling with time management, schooling, and/or finances. I want to encourage them to grow, strengthen their wings to fly, and survive the world, and yet not hinder them by being there to save them when they make mistakes.

I pray, that they may get to know God. The ultimate meaning of human life is getting to know Him in our human life. Once again I pray for guidance because I don't know how to be a proper parent. I have a desperate prayer for each of them to live a life above the human struggle and it can be found in Christ. I am sorry that my children have not seen or experienced the love of Christ and I merit that much to our struggle, Tom and I, in our opposing view and value on life. It must have caused a deep confusion in them.

It is when God cleans out my inner hold so many things disappear... anxiety, fear, what could have been, if only..., regrets, turmoils, what should be, how it should be.... Oh to experience freedom, such freedom. This requires deep probing of my heart and allowing God's light to shine on the items which keeps me bound.

Tom does not seem to get anxious. He continues to serve God full time with zero pay. He has no paying job in his horizon. For me such a thought was and often still is anathema. Yet he is at peace. Often I think I should have been born a man with all my need to be successful. Yet there are so many aspects about me that is so insecure, and Tom provided for me the security. I always thought that if Tom was pursuing livelihood, or just relaxed endeavors in earning a living, I would have had a perfect husband, perfect marriage, and perfect family. Is it worth having everything perfect to lose the deepest digging and cleaning God was able to perform in my heart through out the years? Probably not.

Who would have thought that I could be at peace, at age fifty two, to accept Tom as he is (with mind only to serve). Who would have thought that I could work full time as a pharmacist and feel so content. Oh there were so many years I could not appreciate this profession. Who would have thought, that I could live in a humble home in Indiana, with nothing to show for, and be so much at peace. The walls, ceilings, exterior...they all cry for refreshing and renewing. Yet I am content.

Tom is so much at peace with our little church. Maybe leaving Chicago needed to happen long ago. The simple fellowship with the brothers, in the Word is so full filling for him. I am finding larger horizon in the vastness of God. I am so happy I am here today, that God has taken me through so much and He is still working with me and within me. As I get into the Word, my thought is only to know Him.

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