Hopes and Dreams

Lately I have been happy. Hopeful. And Looking at my life with much gratitude. I wonder how much of this has to do with some changes in my brain.

Of course I do run into lots of road blocks. I ran into a major blow. I sure did not expect to face  memory loss which could lead into Alzheimer's. My unfortunate DNA test came up with double APOE4 genes. Upto 70% to 90% of those who have my genes end up with Alzheimer's.  I was pressing on towards being a functional medicine practitioner who at age 90 is still happily practicing. That dream or ambition had to be set aside, to realize that may never transpire. Right now, my first and foremost goal is to restore my memory loss, to bring back the ability to maintain short term memory, or any form of memory.

Funny how life has its twist and turns. What do you do when something happens that you were not anticipating? What do you do when your dreams had to be thrown up in the air, possibly never to see it happen. There are times when I become very scared of my future. Yet I am noticing in myself that it is easier to appreciate all the blessings that I have received. In about a month we will be going to Barcelona Spain to have a family reunion with my four grown children and family. How fortunate we are that I do not have to work like so many people at my age (64). In our trip to Croatia we will stop in Barcelona Spain and spend one week with all of our children and grandchildren.

My memory

12/15/2019 Sunday


Just five more years.

Could I live to my utmost, living to the fullest if I was to pass on in five years. Just a year ago I dreamed of becoming a functional medicine practitioner. Now I am fighting daily in trying to hang on to any memories of current events of my life and current thoughts of five minutes ago. So my venture begins, reading about brain and how it degenerates and how I can help my own brain in some restoration or decrease in the speed of degeneration to Alzheimers.

It is ironic that earlier this year I took DNA.mind testing via Nordic Labs in Scandinavia. In it I found that my life span is not long. So what does that mean? I would guess if I could live to age 70, on one hand it is a full life,  yet I dreamt of living till I was in my nineties. I wanted to be an active functional medicine practitioner at age ninety, busy with taking care of so many clients. If I could reverse this brain degradation, I can help others who are going through same condition, to live a full life.  So with my genetics that shows short lifespan and genes that dictates almost 75% Alzheimers staring at my face, I decided I will live to the fullest and longest as much as I can.

Somehow the task is formidable, daunting yet fascinating. I find in literature that green vegetables increase life span. Good nutrition nourishes the brain for strength and resiliency. I started to eat lots of vegetables. Sugar degrades the brain; I am avoiding all forms of sweetness including grain, pasta, legumes and all forms obvious sweets. Exercise pumps blood and oxygen to brain helping it to clean up and refresh. I try to do sets of fifty jumping jacks throughout the day and take walks in the woods.

Yesterday I went to all you can eat buffet with Dee and gorged on sushi and meat and veggies and anything else I wanted to eat. How long was I so strict with my diet? Can't remember. It felt so good to just eat and eat anything.  Normally it may be considered a good meal. For me, the white rice makes it the same category as sweet rolls. Today I ate more sushi. Tomorrow back to strict diet of vegetables and meat. I wonder how long I can keep myself mostly on vegetables.

Where Am I in Life?

So many things have happened since my last blogging. It has been two years since I left pharmacy at Kroger. I was searching for physically easier job where I will not be standing, walking, or running for up to 13 hours in order to take care of patients.

 I found a job at a hospital where I can sit down for the whole shift.  I became keenly aware that my learning curve had dramatically changed, and I left that new job in three months. That was beginning of  October in 2017. This was one full year after when I was taken to ER with a complete amnesia, Transient Global Amnesia from 9 am to 7 pm on a Sunday in May of 2016.

My last visit to Croatia (Spring of 2019) has brought attention to the seriousness of my brain issue. It takes me good three weeks before I get acclimated to a new time zone. My lack of sleep in Croatia and again here in US was manifested in daily inability to remember what happened for 2 to 3 hours of any given day. Now fully rested with plenty of sleep, I am realizing that my brain is affected. It dawned on me that I AM retired...maybe for good. I am not yet 64. I always dreamed of working well into 90's as a health and wellness practitioner. I saw myself as a thin old lady who is in love with her life helping sickies of today. I saw myself as a 95 years old little lady, full of life and zest with love for healing and watching health restoration.

I decided for now, I must stop studying and to re-evaluate my future. How am I to occupy my time. It has always been easy in the past; I always gave my studies priority. I have been a student all my life and at late age, I have discovered my passion; my desire to be a natural health practitioner. Yet when the realization set in that I may never be the healer, I was not as discouraged as I thought I would be. Having time on my hand was a new experience.  Now my dream career is put aside, maybe permanently. I wonder what my future holds for me.

What must I do to heal and restore my brain? I tried to remember anything related to brain restoration from my studies. I was left with a "blank." I had one patient, myself. Yet all my hours and years of studies preparing me to a new career left me blank.

I decided there are two things that I would love; writing and painting. I have always loved writing. I have a long way to reach the skill set of a good writer. Painting has been very sporadic. I will write and paint. This time I will not give myself pressure to accomplish. I will see it as one of my healing project that I can enjoy. Learn skill set at a pace where I can enjoy my life no matter where it may lead me.

So I start my life again at age 64 with different goal set! Learn to enjoy life! Learn to enjoy people around me. Learn to develop relationships. Learn to walk in steps with my dear husband. Learn to be connected with my grown children and still young grand children.

One Baby Step at a Time

12/27/2018
This year is almost over. I am filled with anxiety of so many things to consider.

I am finished with Functional Medicine studies. How do I pursue from here. Where do I start? It's not like I can go someplace and apply. There is no FM clinics around here or next several towns.

My mother fell for the second time and is in the hospital. It looks like we are the only ones who can take her in for the remaining years. What happens with my FM career which is already scary to start by myself. Now that has to be in back burner until my mother is established in my home. Last time she was with me for three weeks, all my spare time was spent on her. I still have so much desire to be in a profession, be active in it, to find fulfillment in it.

As I sit daily, I ponder, "How do I get myself into an active profession? Where do I start? I do not want to go back to pharmacy.

12/28/2018
This morning I felt such a reassurance. God knows... one little step at a time... how to begin.
... He has all things under control. Just trust in Him and I take one baby step at a time. Don't look at daily results. When time is right, God will bring in the clients one by one. Just keep plugging along. Thank You Lord.

Where am I going?

I am 63 years old. Where have time gone! Feeling vanity of living.

I am sitting on the couch wondering what I should do! It seems like my life is in a constant pressure to accomplish, to achieve, and to earn. I have no desire to go back to pharmacy. So what can I do? I studied functional medicine. As I am taking steps to get started, I feel more lost than ever.

Tom tells me that I need to spend 2 hours a day to water color. That actually will be my whole day when I include cooking, shopping, and house upkeep.

Lately I have been feeling that I am losing my memory even from day to day. I seem to forget things constantly all the time.

I fear being lost into the oblivion. To not pursue into some goal is to be lost. To not have an income feels like I am lost, falling into the oblivion.

Piano

It is a beautiful day. I went out for a walk along the Mill Race Trail between Elkhart River along the canal. I should call my mother I thought. She would enjoy talking to me. She is 83 years old and insist on living alone. So the best we can do is visit or call her on the phone. I have more than one hour.

I was expecting the "same old" stories that she tells me over and over and over. I could almost recite them. At times she does not even realize that she is repeating herself for 20th time in one time stretch.

As she was talking, my mind was far away. Agreeing with her and synchronizing the timing of response that she expects at the right moments. I had heard this story so many times before, but today she pulled on my heart until I was in tune with her story telling.

"We had just immigrated to US. You were about 12 years old. After school, I would find you in bed with expression of forlorn life. Depression was on your face every day. I was desperate and did not want to lose you the way your aunt and uncle lost their daughter TaeSoon; from depression to loss of her mind. She never got her mind restored.

TaeSoon was 16 years old. She was probably the smartest girl in the family of seven children. So smart that everyone knew that she would become somebody someday. Yet she did not have the beauty that her older sister and younger sister had. She had fallen in love with a local boy. Her mother and father did not approve of him. They told her that her status was too high for that common boy. This was Korea during early 1960's.  Her dad was a high level executive and they were very wealthy.  Because of the disapproval of the parents TaeSoon had to give up her love. She changed. The boy was taken away from her yet her mind hung on to him and eventually desire for life left. She never sought another man. Eventually all her siblings got married and left home. When her father retired, he bought a large farm. He gave TaeSoon bit of land to manage herself, to plant vegetables and flowers. She lived with her parents. She had lost zest for life. Her ambition in career died. In time her mother died. Then her father died. She grew to be an old woman. I don't know if she is still alive or not."

That is a sad story of my cousin I thought. Yet this was an intro to how that relates to me as a 12 years old. My mother continued.

"You told me that ...Life is too hard. Learning English is too hard. You have no friends.... I told your dad that we must do something to make you happier. Otherwise you may end up like your cousin TaeSoon. You had tendency to be depressed. That is why we bought you a piano."

At that time we lived in a cheap one bedroom apartment. My parents had the bedroom. My brother had the dining room and my little sister and I had the living room. It totally did not make any sense to buy a piano at that stage in life. My mother continued ...'I told your dad, I want to save you(JaeHi) from depression that can lead to mind loss. I don't care about money....' Once we bought the piano, I found you playing the piano every day after school. I did not see you being depressed anymore."

On my part, yes I do remember those days. I felt it was my duty to play the piano otherwise all of their money would be wasted. My ten years old brother and five years old sister had no interest in piano. I kept on playing because my parents sacrificed too much. I knew how many hours they had to work to buy that instrument. I never understood why they bought a piano. I did not know that I appeared so depressed to my mother. I was always a melancholy child and having melancholy face was the norm for me. Immigrating at age eleven and being put into my grade when I did not speak any English was not an easy thing. Not having any friends was not a easy phase to go through. Anyhow it was my duty to play whether I wanted to or not especially since my brother and sister did not care to play the piano. My mother felt that they did the right thing to pull me away from depression.

When I married Tom, he bought a piano because he wanted to play. I hardly notice that we have a piano. I don't play our piano but I always love to hear Tom play.

Clearing the Paths

We live near a small woods where we hike daily if time and weather allows. The winding trails can intertwine so much that we can hike up to two hours within a deceptively small space. We have done this for few years now. We are creating memories for ourselves when we can no longer hike. Then we will reminisce ... those good old days when we were able to spend so much time together daily in the woods, breathing in the wonderful fresh air and loving the beauty of it all.

This year the river that flows within the woods flooded due to melting snow and lots of rain. Much of our trails have been under water for a week or more. As our paths have dried out, we have been able to use more and more of them, after clearing away the branches and fallen trees carried by the flood blocking the paths.

This flood also left an abundance of litter: pop cans, alcohol bottles, candy and gum wrappers, etc. The first day back on our trails, we collected five grocery bags of garbage. Subsequent days were much less. One week will clear the woods for another year!


It is rather interesting that we have learned to enjoy the whole process of maintaining these trails by trimming the thorn bushes that would snag us, collecting litter, and clearing fallen branches and trees as we're on our daily walks.

We have all the wonders of nature, many giant logs that have fallen, the uphill climb, wetlands, river, countless trees that create such interesting patterns with the blue sky, small and large animals that make home here, and all the birds and their songs.  And we have our little haven in which we take daily mini vacations of hiking in nature as if these woods belonged to us.