Monday, October 3, 2011

Pumpkin Vine Trail

Yesterday I took a walk in a beautiful pumpkin vine trail. Whenever sadness wells up in me I want to take a walk in nature enveloped in God's beauty. I was weeping. My heart ached for the disappointment I caused my father. In my probing of myself I realized as a small child watching my father always studying. I did not know him during his successful days. I knew he so desperately wanted to be able to provide for the family. He was always studying and that is all the memory I have. As I saw him I made a vow that I will someday become successful so he can be satisfied. I will be what he never became. I will someday meet all his needs so he can rest. I will be his pride so he himself can be elevated. So much of my sadness came because I was not these things for him. At this moment I realized that vow could never have fulfilled. I cannot fulfill anyone's yearning, desire, and longing. I lifted up this vow to God.

I spent all my life trying to fulfill all the vows I made that my parents and grandfather wished for me and from me. Oh my mother. She saw the whole world and it's misery because of her marriage into a poor family with so many in-laws she had to take care of and serve. All her longings and wishes she verbalized to me. Her deep desire for me to succeed one day so I would not have to work at home; cooking and cleaning was for servant girls. This was the life she knew and grew up in. Somehow I must not repeat such a low status. She hated the fact that my father was so generous or foolish with money, wasting it all on his family (his mother, father, and so many siblings and their children). I grew up seeing my father through her eyes and never felt much love for him. Dear father I wish I saw you through my own eyes, a person who tried so hard to make things better for us. Dear mother, you still hurt. I wish I could take all your pain away ... but that is beyond me. I will continue to be your sounding board, hear all your pain in life, and you always feel better afterwards.

And my grandfather. He told me over and over... one day I will fulfill the proud heritage of Kim clan, or is it Kim Dynasty. He told me that daughters will do well in this family. For some reason sons have not done well he said. And I cried. I tried so hard to fulfill his yearning; to elevate the Kim family to the status of kings but this wish was too lofty for me. I was not that daughter that will bring the Kim family up to king's status. I did not have the innate ability to achieve such a grand scale. I lived my life to fulfill the deep hole my elders had. I have failed each of their dreams and again I gave each vow I made to God. I am just a simple person with not too much capability.

I am sorry my children. When my focus should have been you as I was raising you, I was filled with urgency that all the wishes of my parents and grandfather so longed to see in me somehow gets taken care of. The funny thing is those vows I made for my parents and grandfather has become my own and did not even realize where it came from.

Dear kids, I love you so much. I love you for who you are. I pray for you that you may find peace in life. You are all grown already and I pray that your path will lead you to God. I love you.