Wings to Fly — 15

Memoir Index

The Possibility of Inner Healing

My business trip to New York left an indelible mark on my life. Not only did I experience the Lord in a profound way, but I was now looking at human life from another angle, getting new insight into human behavior and response from an analytical view. The two-and-a-half-week program left me in total awe and respect for God and His creation of the human mind.

When I came home, Mary, my sister-in-law, began to tell me about a new discovery regarding emotional healing. Her description paralleled what I learned in New York. One was a secular approach, and the other was a biblical approach.

Mary told me about her inner healing. Her experience was so profound and her freedom was so grand that she could not keep silent. I was curious. I purchased the book that she got so much benefit from. It was written by a dear Christian brother named Ed Smith. He is a Christian counselor who works with emotionally wounded people unable to function. He could not understand why Christian counselors were not able to achieve better results than their non-Christian counterparts. In the Bible, when the Lord told the lame to walk and the blind to see, they were healed completely. Ed Smith wanted to see this kind of result in those he was counseling. He was lead by the Lord and learned to achieve the complete healing of debilitating emotional wounds through Jesus.

What amazed me was that this was Mary speaking to me. In my estimation, she had a perfect life. Paul and Mary were crazy in love. Mary opted to stay home to take care of her family and to serve the church even though her family could benefit from extra income. In church service, Paul and Mary excelled. They took on high-school and college-age young people’s work. They hosted dinners for 20+ young people weekly. Mary made herself available for anyone who needed an ear. She was not distracted with a professional career like I was. She was definitely Tom’s sister.

Yet she suffered. “I am not a good enough wife, mother, sister, serving one....” The list went on and on. “I would be sick and I would apologize to Paul for not having cooked dinner. No matter how much I served in the church, I felt I didn’t serve enough. No matter what I did for my children, I was not good enough as a mother.”

We talked for hours. We talked about how similar the results were between Ed Smith’s work and the New York human potential work. We realized that in God’s creation, if His principles are applied, the results are the same. There is always blessing in honoring your parents. The most satisfied human beings were those who give back to humanity with their money and person, whether they are Christian or not. Yet the inner life of a Christian is something that non-Christians cannot experience.

At this time, I looked at myself. I was enjoying my business tremendously. Something may become of it. I was looking towards becoming very successful and Tom would continue to serve the Lord. Yet I thought of the moments of despair, loneliness, abandonment, absolute desire to succeed at all cost. Though I told myself I did not need emotional healing, I was curious about Mary’s experience, and the thought, “Maybe I also need to be healed,” kept me looking into this.

In Ed Smith’s book, he gave an example I could relate to. In fact, everyone I know can relate to it. My social world for the last 30 years was with devout Christians trying to live according to the Bible. We know God cares for us in all situations, yet if we lose our job, panic sets in. We are filled with anxiety until we find another job. This is a small example of our belief system. We believe the Word according to our knowledge, yet in the depths of our being we don’t believe it. Our job becomes our security instead of the Word, or Christ. As we come to Jesus, we experience peace temporarily only to be filled with anxiety until the problem is resolved. Yet if the Word were the truth in the depth of our heart, we would not be traumatized by any calamity. We would be at peace.

In our congregation, we had so many high teachings and practices, yet I was not experiencing true peace and rest. Could Jesus really bring me this peace and rest? I was on a quest to find out.