My heart is so heavy. My dear friend Tari and her family may move on to another church or move to Bloomington with possibility of helping develop a Christian high school. Either way I will miss them so dearly. When I was crying within for a prayer partner who would regularly pray with me about everything in my heart, God brought Tari to me. We became fast friends whom we could unload all of our deep inner struggles. We were transparent to each other. Weekly we took a walk and prayed about everything and anything. So many of our prayers were answered and our hearts were comforted.
Then Tim and Tari felt that meeting once weekly at our church was not enough. My heart jumped. Yes, let's create a home meeting, a bible study, during the week. How long have I waited for this? Now this meeting included Tom, Gifford, myself and Tim and Tari. I loved the extra meeting. This was so special.
Dear Tim and Tari, your family was a special gift to me, and to us. I am so thankful that you have come into our lives. I hope we continue to be best friends and prayer partner as time moves on. Should you move on to Bloomington, may the Lord bless you in all your endeavors in building a high school to help the young people stand up for Jesus Christ in which ever profession they may end up in. I will miss you dearly for I cannot imagine another person filling your shoes.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sleep and Age
Now that I am in my mid fifties I have a problem sleeping through the night. As a youth and young woman I fell asleep as my head hit the pillow. Now I am waking up at 2am, 3am, or just any odd time and often I am not able to fall back asleep. I tried Benedryl, Melatonin, and Valarian Root. Non seem to help. And I will not go into prescription drugs. I have seen too many of my customers rely on them to sleep.
None of these are as bad as when I have to get up early to go to work the next morning. This is psychological. I have had many nights when I did not get a wink of sleep. So I get up not having gotten any sleep. I am not quite sure how to resolve this. I think of hypnosis therapy but never looked into it. Tomorrow morning I need to leave home at seven in the morning. Just to be able to sleep a few hours of deep sleep would be wonderful. I don't even know when I first could not sleep....
None of these are as bad as when I have to get up early to go to work the next morning. This is psychological. I have had many nights when I did not get a wink of sleep. So I get up not having gotten any sleep. I am not quite sure how to resolve this. I think of hypnosis therapy but never looked into it. Tomorrow morning I need to leave home at seven in the morning. Just to be able to sleep a few hours of deep sleep would be wonderful. I don't even know when I first could not sleep....
What is happiness?
How often I have felt the pang of pain as I have considered where I needed to be or where I should be in life. Yet strangely now I don't have that now. I do have to say I experience a twinge once in a while but that is a far cry from the deep and palpable pain.
So what is the difference? I have accepted life as is and this is the best it can be. When I watch Tom so immobilized and in physical pain, I am still in love with him as he limps. Yet here is a person who loved me through out life no matter what! I tell him I only love him if he loves me. He always told me he loves me no matter what!
My pain was always involved with Tom's choice in forgoing a wonderful secular job to serve God full time. I have to say it was decades of on and off deep pain for me. All my dreams of having a wonderful nest egg for old age and life of leisure and travel has evaporated.
Now I watch my friends....one who is so happy she can go shopping all day while her husband is at a medical meeting, one who will go away to a beautiful place for several days to rest and refocus on life, a couple who will go away to Florida for a month,...list goes on. This week I am staffing a pharmacy while my friend and her husband is gone to Virgin Islands. And I am so happy to experience working at an Amish community.
I feel so full filled. So content. I have a new kitchen that I love. Tom and I were supposed to start renovating our old home one room at a time. Well, with Tom's back and hip pains that plan is in the back burner. Tom works so many hours in his bent posture on editing yet we must rely on my part time income. For that I am so thankful.
I also remember those early years when I could not let go of what I wanted and needed in life. (Wings to Fly...my memoir of those years). I was so unhappy and so often hated Tom.
Yesterday I came home from long day at work. At 7:30pm I was looking forward to a hot soup Tom was going to prepare. When I came home, things were chopped up but not cooked. I voiced my disappointment. He said the pain was too great and could not continue. So I finished up and we ate dinner after 9 pm. And I loved him and we totally enjoyed our dinner.
As I look at him helping me clean up, in his bent posture, forward like an old man and side way to avert the pain, I thought... Tom I am sorry that I never appreciated you all during the time when you were so handsome in stature and helped me so much in everything.
So what is the difference? I have accepted life as is and this is the best it can be. When I watch Tom so immobilized and in physical pain, I am still in love with him as he limps. Yet here is a person who loved me through out life no matter what! I tell him I only love him if he loves me. He always told me he loves me no matter what!
My pain was always involved with Tom's choice in forgoing a wonderful secular job to serve God full time. I have to say it was decades of on and off deep pain for me. All my dreams of having a wonderful nest egg for old age and life of leisure and travel has evaporated.
Now I watch my friends....one who is so happy she can go shopping all day while her husband is at a medical meeting, one who will go away to a beautiful place for several days to rest and refocus on life, a couple who will go away to Florida for a month,...list goes on. This week I am staffing a pharmacy while my friend and her husband is gone to Virgin Islands. And I am so happy to experience working at an Amish community.
I feel so full filled. So content. I have a new kitchen that I love. Tom and I were supposed to start renovating our old home one room at a time. Well, with Tom's back and hip pains that plan is in the back burner. Tom works so many hours in his bent posture on editing yet we must rely on my part time income. For that I am so thankful.
I also remember those early years when I could not let go of what I wanted and needed in life. (Wings to Fly...my memoir of those years). I was so unhappy and so often hated Tom.
Yesterday I came home from long day at work. At 7:30pm I was looking forward to a hot soup Tom was going to prepare. When I came home, things were chopped up but not cooked. I voiced my disappointment. He said the pain was too great and could not continue. So I finished up and we ate dinner after 9 pm. And I loved him and we totally enjoyed our dinner.
As I look at him helping me clean up, in his bent posture, forward like an old man and side way to avert the pain, I thought... Tom I am sorry that I never appreciated you all during the time when you were so handsome in stature and helped me so much in everything.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Drive to work
Earlier this week I was driving to a store long way from home. Many thoughts passed my mind.
November and December of 2011 was when I thought I was being pushed out of work at Kroger due to too many floating pharmacists. I applied for two jobs and was rejected. And down went my heart. Then I would get last minute calls from Kroger asking me to go and work because someone was sick. I was thankful that I was needed. At this time I realized that job is a gift.
As I was driving I thanked the Lord for this wonderful gift he gave me. All the sudden the long drive did not phase me. I loved all the personnel I worked with. I thanked the Lord for my improving health that I am experiencing this winter.
Now days I face the crippling pain that Tom experiences. I often think that we are too young for one of us to be like this. Then I remembered that Tom is a gift to me and I thanked the Lord for Tom. I remembered many years ago, I was invalid in bed with my chronic fatigue syndrome with four young children. It was seven long years. I often wished I would die because to me I would be sick forever. Who would have known that I would recover from that illness. I think Tom always knew that I would recover.
I look forward to the day when Tom is full of life and energy!
November and December of 2011 was when I thought I was being pushed out of work at Kroger due to too many floating pharmacists. I applied for two jobs and was rejected. And down went my heart. Then I would get last minute calls from Kroger asking me to go and work because someone was sick. I was thankful that I was needed. At this time I realized that job is a gift.
As I was driving I thanked the Lord for this wonderful gift he gave me. All the sudden the long drive did not phase me. I loved all the personnel I worked with. I thanked the Lord for my improving health that I am experiencing this winter.
Now days I face the crippling pain that Tom experiences. I often think that we are too young for one of us to be like this. Then I remembered that Tom is a gift to me and I thanked the Lord for Tom. I remembered many years ago, I was invalid in bed with my chronic fatigue syndrome with four young children. It was seven long years. I often wished I would die because to me I would be sick forever. Who would have known that I would recover from that illness. I think Tom always knew that I would recover.
I look forward to the day when Tom is full of life and energy!
Snow Shoveling
Yesterday morning I shoveled front walkway, side walk, back walkway, and the alley by our garage. It is quite amazing that I should have energy to do all these before going to work. Tom is not capable of shoveling due to his back and hip pain. I was thanking the Lord that during time like this I should be doing so well in my health.
Boeuf Bourguignon
Friday evening we had Thiery family and Gifford over to help us enjoy Boeuf Bourguignon that I made earlier. I wanted more than just Tom and I enjoying this dinner. Dinner was elegant. I think all the adults really loved it. The boys did not care for fine French stew. Probably due to the unfamiliar wine taste in meat. Next time I have teenagers for dinner like this I should warn them before the dinner begins, and maybe have something else that is familiar...like spaghetti.
Yesterday morning Tom said, I typically do not consider the dinner from yesterday. But Boeuf Bourguignon was so good! Now this is a real compliment! Tom is not man of many words regarding food.
Yesterday morning Tom said, I typically do not consider the dinner from yesterday. But Boeuf Bourguignon was so good! Now this is a real compliment! Tom is not man of many words regarding food.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tapioca Pudding
Last time I made tapioca pudding, it turned out perfect. Of course I had all the ingredients to start with. And I was focused in only one thing.
This time I let it soak 30 minute too long and then 30 more minutes while I went to the store to get milk and other things. I was busy exercising the first 30 minutes. Totally did not turn out. Neglecting initial process ruined it even if the rest were followed to the tee. I wonder how this relates to life itself. How often do I try to do two things at once and totally ruin one of the two projects.
This time I let it soak 30 minute too long and then 30 more minutes while I went to the store to get milk and other things. I was busy exercising the first 30 minutes. Totally did not turn out. Neglecting initial process ruined it even if the rest were followed to the tee. I wonder how this relates to life itself. How often do I try to do two things at once and totally ruin one of the two projects.
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