Goals, dreams, and an open door

Earlier today, as we were walking in the woods after the flood, even though our boots were getting muddy, I was moved to see the beauty of my surroundings. My thoughts were roaming. What is it that is important for me? How do I want to finish my life.

I thought of my history. As a little girl growing up in post-war Korea, I determined that I wanted to fulfill all the aspirations that my parents had, that were taken away by the war. I wanted to fulfill my grandfather's aspiration also taken away by the war. It was a huge task to fulfill their dreams.
In that endeavor, I tried so hard to achieve the unachievable. Those around me noticed me as someone  accomplished, but I was always a huge disappointment to myself for failing my parents' and grand-father's dreams. I could not enjoy my present life. 

Here I am, 62 years old. Because of what I believe was a providential pathway, I resigned from my lifelong career. Then another career path opened up, which I believe was also providential. That step alone was empowering. I actually chose my desire in studies, something that I am passionate about.

 The thought of fulfilling that path also scared me. Why would I want to be a functional medicine practitioner when I don't have... a million reasons pop into my mind contrary to pressing on.

Providence has opened the door for me. I will pursue it. At the same time, I realize that what is important is relationship with those whom I love and care about and those whom I will meet in my path. My dream is not a successful career but a successful life. I dream of making an impact on the people whose lives I hope to touch with love for God by serving humanity in the healing arts.

I realized that there are lots of things that need to be cleaned up within me. With God's help I am allowing forgiveness for myself. I can let go of my past, when I was so intensely focused on fulfilling my seniors' dreams that I often did not enjoy, relish, and pour myself into my own children as they were growing up. My regrets only tie me down. Only when I am free from that weight of guilt can I love my grown children to the utmost and love my grandchildren to the fullest. I shall also let go of any bitterness that has come along my path one by one so that I can fully be released to live in life, in God, and in love.